April 25th, 2009...

...was a tough day for me. I lost a love a few months ago, mostly through my fault...but it does take two doesn't it? And yesterday was her birthday. and I wasn't there. And my heart is still so broken I just don't know what to do. By the way...I do believe that we get what we put forth. I pretty much dumped two women over the last two years. One, I flipped out because I no longer felt safe or felt I had a place in the house (our house) due to a blended family situation that didn't blend, and the other was supposed to be a FWB situation that got "complicated". Don't they always? So I feel like I'm reaping what I've sown. A really crappy place to be e.i. it doesn't feel good. Feels like shit, actually.

So it's almost like HP gave me the cards for the GF. I made this remark to the woman at my favorite tarot shop and she quipped, "The cards will treat you better." Ha.

Were it only so. I thought things were going OK, that I was good to go for a reconciliation:

Self=Nine of Swords/Situation=Nine of Rods/Solution=Page of Rods
After a period of sustained persistent effort, the spurned suitor wins back the Princess

Then I did a reading exchange at a tarot forum and got this:

10 Swords rx * 6 Swords * 9 Wands
Shadow: Justice rx

I do not feel your chances look good for moving forward with X. However, I do feel the 6 of Swords is saying this might be a blessing in disguise...things have been an emotional rollercoaster, up and down...when will it end? It won't end right now, but I am not sure how much time you have left on the rollercoaster. Once you get off, though, it will be a big load off your shoulders. The 9 of Wands is giving me the feeling that you will have a talk with X about where you are heading, but you might feel as though you're fighting for your place in X's life.
The Shadow card makes me feel as though you have a good idea about what I just said, and this feels wrong and unfair to you. You want things to go forward with X, but perhaps a part of you is afraid to admit it might be nice to not have to worry about what will happen next with X.

Matters of the heart are very complex, to say in the least.

I hope this made sense.

...I replied:

...it made too much sense. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I wish I COULD talk to her, but she's gone silent and isn't real easy to get to even when we were together, unless I was with her. Yes...it has been awful, and I want it to stop and I don't want to let go and I know I'll have to...the part of me that knows this is dead is gaining ground on the part that wants to hold on.

...sigh...

Ouch.